My intestines hurt. What is it about visceral pain that makes one turn their mind to all sorts of crankish social philosophy? It’s enough to stir even someone sunken into the deepest lassitude. Pain makes you not care that what you’re doing is a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy. It makes you relish your blatant thievery and your celebratory lack of originality. It’s all part of being a thoroughly bad person. Why am I bad? Because it’s the only recourse in a world where everyone is just so damn holy!

Yes, it’s a great world for holiness and the holy! Just showing your tits will get you on the quick list to beatification and canonization, where you can be *Our Lady of the Lantern Jaw* complete with t-shirts and laudatory television show guest appearances. God help you if you present like a baboon in heat; you’ll be the second coming! No, no, no. I am no prude. A prude is disgusted because they are secretly and shamefully aroused by the spectacle. I am disgusted because nothing arouses me anymore. But I digress.

So I come to it: The Neoreaction. It goes by other names, most of them rather juvenile “the Dark Enlightenment” which makes one think of teenaged goths cooking up a philosophy half Schopenhauer, half Bauhaus lyrics  in some suburban basement of Tempe Arizona. Even worse yet, “The Red Pill”, which strikes one as something someone who reads mostly movie novelizations (when they can be arsed to read at all) came up with while popping their pimples. Reheated secular gnosticism from someone who doesn’t even know what Gnosticism *is*.

Hah! Lest you think I’m being far too critical, I am not. I’m a failed academic, a disenchanted intellectual, who cleans toilets and empties dirt to eke out a rather meager and colorless existence in a back end town of a back end province of the Great American Empire. Just a little forgotten nook of their far-flung colonial holdings. Picturesque, but rather expensive and bereft of serious minded people. Let’s be honest: The Neoreaction is a creation of our times. We are an era that educates and provisions talented young men with everything they need to enslave themselves… or set themselves free. If there was enough opportunity, enough chances to carve out a meaningful and satisfying existence, there would be no Neoreaction. The Neoreaction is the creation of a generation of superfluous men who discovered their superfluity. Seeing what they were embedded in, they decided to go another route.

The other route? Well it depends on taste, I suppose. If you could, imagine a city. Not some orderly planned city of square blocks and superhighways, but a city built on cart-paths and only halfway modernized. All the roads squiggle and loop and intersect multiple times. I like to think this city has a certain Central European flair, where you can stand at an intersection and turn one direction and see buildings once looked on by Hapsburgs, turn 90 degrees and see a rotting block of Marxist poured concrete, and then turn once more and see a glistening skyscraper of mirrored glass and steel with a McDonald’s on the ground floor. We are going on a walking tour to find the neoreactionaries in our grand city. For if anything is true, the neoreaction is not seperate from the world but built into it, as an emergent entity. I wish to go through each and every avenue and comment at length at what we find, after all, I am a flâneur first and foremost. I am not a regular at any one spot. I am always just visiting. A word of warning: those looking for some sort rigorous sociological analysis, shall receive none. There’s already countless electrons spilled on that. Expect little in the way of inline citations. This is a dilettante’s impression. Savor it not as you would by going to a library, but as by walking through endless cafes and parks! How you live is far more important than the coherence and complexity of how you *think*.  

So I hope, anyways, my track record is not great for this sort of thing. In fact, one could say I always pick the worst possible time to do such things. But still, It seems like fun, a nice way of passing the time.

In ever more prosaic ways I slip into a torpor. My life is a period of episodes of disquiet, not worth recounting in way, shape or form. My youth a series of illuminations, gone and perhaps never to return. C’est la vie. If it comes, it comes. I can’t wait for it happen, nor conjure them into appearance by mere desire.

I live in a place where there are palms and pandanus. A life slowly being eroded by a global culture of capitalism and consumerism, or pop culture stretching thousands of miles, eroding everything in comes in contact with, annihilating dialects and traditional mores beneath it’s waves. If I can, my last gasp will be to build my own house. Like Mr. Biswas, perhaps. I will record what it is to be born at the end; to come of age just to see the last edifices tumble like sandcastles on the beach. The house will be built of words, constructed of every last memory and image distilled into the most precise concentration. As I sip shochu and taste cigar smoke, so shall I try to choose my words. It’s all nonsense, maybe. But, before I die that death in a rented room, working that pointless job, I will say it. As much as possible, I will try to breath it out of my fingers and head. It’s all I am good for at this point; telling stories. I can’t live in the manner of others. Not anymore. God damned me. I’m a writer. Fuck my life, I’ve got words to say.

I stand on the edge of the precipice, watching the waves hundreds of feet below. You need silence for stillness, for the emergence of novel ideas, new sounds, glory. Glory? Only the glory that comes with a flower blooming, a moth emerging from a cocoon, a wet rock that appears and reappears with the beating of the waves.

“Do you have it?”

I don’t know. It’s all so much, isn’t it? To want something you can’t put your finger on. I feel like I crawled from the ocean and scaled the cliffs, instead of hiking here from the roadside. There is pain. In my teeth and throat. Real honest to god pain. My teeth are worn and cracking and sometimes I think the coughing is the cancer that will kill me. When I stop moving, when the sensation and the tumult stops it’s still there, humming like the cities, the endless flow of humanity.

“It’s white noise.”

And this is half-baked mysticism. But it will do. It will have to suffice. For now, anyway. I don’t have the words to say it any other way… No, I’m not going to jump. I don’t have it in me to jump off a real cliff, or a metaphorical one. But I can try not to let myself be submerged.

I don’t post much anymore. I don’t play music much anymore, especially now since my room was burgled and some of my instruments stolen. I’m not even bothered much by this fact anymore. I should be honest. Utterly honest.

It feels like I’m losing the battle. What battle? The battle with what I suppose could be called depression. Not the sort of depression that is prescribed medications (though at times that old friend visits for a week or so). Is it ennui? Is it the long dark night of the soul? I don’t know what to call it exactly. It is the feeling of being insensate, a sleepwalker through life. Acedia, is what the monastics called it.

It’s been sitting heavy on my chest for over a year already, but it’s been lingering there for awhile… since I returned from Japan. I feel that I’ve accomplished all that I’ve been able to accomplish and all that remains is sitting in the waiting room waiting for my number to be called, while I smoke, sip tea and read books to pass the time.

I’ve not been able to admit it because it is antithetical to the online world I’ve immersed myself in, the niche of the “dark enlightenment” with its call to become a man of action in a world slowly spinning out of control. To admit apathy, to refuse to embrace a vital existence, to see oneself as distant from a passionate carving of one’s own self is to admit failure and surrender.

But I can be honest now because I’ve stopped caring what anyone thinks, and I don’t even really know what I want anymore. I’ve been estranged from everyone and everything for so long that being adrift seems like destiny…

I remember the clouds in the night, moving over the ocean like the face of God over the waters, the biting air, the squelch of wet sand between the toes. It was then, back then when I could see what lay behind it all; eternity. Timelessness was once found in the sound and smell of cars passing through tunnels, in the cracks of sun-dried red soil; sticky fertile mud when it rained. In the incidental forests between buildings and fields that echoed with sounds of bulbuls and buzzing insects, and even in the sublime terror of a moth beating staccato rhythm against the screens of the windows.

Now the passing moments are never as rich as the memories. I sense things in all their forms still, but it only serves to take me to the past than bind me to the present. The house with an empty birdcage, with the smells of frying lup cheong is only a reference point to the time when my small fingers traced patterns on the kitchen formica, waiting for breakfast. The smell of the Brylcreem I rub into my hair before work is less real than the Brylcreem my grandfather rubbed into his hair before going to work, taking his old briefcase with the stickers of Korea and Vietnam on them. I live so poorly in the present. Even the future I grasp in pulpy science fiction magazines takes me back to the interminable hours of study hall, when I would read paperbacks of rockets and distant planets savoring the tang of dust on the yellowed pages of old paperbacks.

All things now seem like a bad dream, as if I’m sleepwalking through life trying to find those points as I live as opposed to the past. I can never be there as it happens, only in retrospect do things unfold in glorious myriad ways, and those moments of remembrance grow more and more sparse as time goes by. When am I here now? A bit when I run. Always, when I dance. But I don’t dance as often as I used to. Age brings less opportunities for such things. Life in the present is defined by the hours I spend sitting in a windowless office, balanced by the hours I spend here, in front of a glowing screen, aching for moments when everything feels real. The closest it gets is sneaking out to smoke, watching the ducks feed in the turgid little stream that runs under the highway.  It’s smoking. It’s trading minutes of your life in order to make the remaining minutes seem more intense. That, I can grasp.

I’ve yet to meet another in person who can say that they saw the face of God moving over the waters in a cloud of eternity, someone who feels so intensely the smells, sounds and light of everyday life to the point where it all seems like some sort of time machine meant to constantly draw them to other times and places before. Someone who feels that they’re sleepwalking through life, a slave to the intangible essences of memory and sensuous experience. God help me, sometimes I feel like I’m the only person awake! Yet, I don’t thrive. More and more I feel like a plant wilted from lack of water. I am impoverished in everything else but my ability to feel and recall. I see people living their lives, speaking of things alien to me and know: I am a prisoner in solitary confinement. I lack the ability and wherewithal to communicate the worlds within me. I am a dreamer in the world of the waking, and so I sleep as life passes me by.

Sorry, just haven’t felt much like writing the past week. Maybe next week?

I know it’s rather funny since I have far more time to write on a Sunday than on other days, but I’m often less motivated because I’ve spent either the day wasting time or doing other things that fill my need for “constructive uses of a weekend”, in this particular case, reviewing the service manual for my 95 Geo and reorganizing my music references  by my desk. Still, I feel the need to keep myself to a schedule of postings, just so I can maintain the discipline necessary in my life to do the things I want to do.

I’ve come to realize that I simply have far too many goals to realistically hit them all at the same time, as well as some poor time usage habits that I’ve come to see as major impediments to, for lack of a better term, my personal actualization. Let me list all the various projects I’m trying to undergo:

1. Continuing my fitness regiment. I exercise for 45 minutes to an hour everyday, alternating between anaerobic and aerobic exercise. Ideally the end goal of all this is the 100 push-ups, 20 pull ups and completing a tin man triathlon. I’ve sort of been stagnating for the past 6 months and realize I need to intensify and alternate my training routines, which requires some things like building a pull up/row bar and buying some new training equipment and figuring out how to get swimming into the routine (yes, I am aware of the irony of living by one of the best rated beaches in the nation and being at a loss on how to work in swimming, long story).

2. Develop better mental habits and optimizing my cognitive potential using mental performance techniques. This is stagnating. I need to get to it because it will help in better digesting and using the various materials necessary for my other recreational activities. Still, I can bracket off time at work to do this if I can defeat one of my major timesucks.

3. Learn to play multiple instruments for the purpose of writing and recording my own music. This is really stagnating. Why? You need to invest at least 15 minutes daily minimum to maintain proficiency in an instrument. Spread between ukulele, classical guitar, bass guitar, drum sequencer, harmonica and a whole host of other sundry small instruments and effects units means that I’m nowhere near even passable on one instrument, much less multiple ones. How did I get into that conundrum? Well, I felt I needed to do it all by myself since I bombed so badly on band auditions. That does not include the time needed to learn proper musical theory and composition as well as effectively learning the DAW software, which is a major undertaking in and of itself. I would be better paring myself down to one or two instruments and focusing on writing simple songs that don’t require much multitracking or musical complexity.

4. Building musical instruments and effects units. This includes getting my electronics, programming and woodworking skills higher than the basic level they are at. Unfortunately this also requires investment in tools and materials and money is something I’m always in short supply of. Still, nothing beat the high I got when I finished that cigar box guitar and plugged it into an amp and let it rip.

5. Analogue Photography. Unlike most of my other hobbies, this one is one that I already know most of the technical ins and outs of. I was raised on wetlab photography and spent time hanging out in my grandfather’s darkroom as a teen. I used to be big into photography, even placing a photo in a “Best of College Photography” book back in the late 90s. The big thing here is again, cost. I have the cameras and can easily borrow scanners and development and enlargement equipment. However the cost of both film and chemicals is extremely high. Some may say I should just do digital photography. I say to them, “then why don’t I go learn how to cook French Cuisine using a microwave?” The appeal of analogue photography comes in the limitations, randomness and difficulty of doing it, as well as in the joys of working with light and chemicals.

6. Writing, in all of its forms. Right now I’m trying to blog twice a week and keeping a dream journal. I’d like to start doing poetry and fiction again, but my bane has always been writing more than 20 pages without getting bored or frustrated. Also I hate editing and would rather just rewrite from scratch over and over again. I believe that writing is what I am best at doing, but unfortunately it gives me the least amount of pleasure in doing so. Still it would be nice to finish *something*, be it a novel or song or collection of themed poetry or short stories.

7. Various other things like learned how to fix and repair my car, do basic fixing and building of things around the house, i.e. all the sort of things men used to do before they outsourced it to specialists who charge an arm and a leg to change the oil in your car or repair an electrical outlet.

8. Learn Game/social skills enough to get a decent long term relationship. This is hampered by my deep introversion, the fact I live in a bedroom community away from Honolulu, and a whole host of other personal issues, the main one being lack of patience with others and lack of interpersonal confidence.

As you can see, I need to give up or pare down my aspirations a good deal if I’m ever to reach my goals in any one of them. There simply isn’t enough time in the day even if I didn’t have to work and I didn’t have multiple bad habits which impede my motivation and waste my time. I’m definitely *trying*, though.

1. One big thing has been trying to get rid of my gaming habit. Old super-nintendo fighting games and bash-em ups and the X-Com and Civilization series have eaten *years* of my life. They’re how I get all the aggro vibes that build up in me out. By beating the shit out of M. Bison for the umpty-millionth time, or by wonder-whoring my way to a cultural victory in civilization. I’ve gotten better at not losing so much time to it, but still, I need to cut it out completely.

2. My addiction to porn and all that entails. There is nothing so destructive to one’s energy level, creativity and sociability than looking at porn nightly and rubbing one out, not to mention the time it wastes in doing so and the fucked up mentality that comes out of it. I’ve been trying to do the no-fap challenge, with some success and some failure. I need to avoid the triggers that are ALL OVER the goddamn web in order to last longer than seven days, as well as not to resort to video games which is what I tend to do with the pent up energy and emotion instead of doing something constructive with it.

3. My use of alcohol, kava and cannabis. I’m not really addicted to this stuff, but I use it as a crutch to socialize. Anytime I do use, I end up writing off anything constructive that night and most of the following day due to the physical and/or psychological hangovers it entails. Not to mention there are far better uses for my money.

4. The biggest one, and perhaps the most difficult one to overcome is my usage of the internet and social media. I realize I use it so much since it allows me to express myself in ways I can’t in the real world. Still, it eats up so much of the spare time I have in my day. Compared to quitting cigarettes, quitting the time-wasting parts of the net is much much more difficult for me. I have to learn to filter better and to not use the net as a substitute for actual socialization and mental stimulation. If I could kick this habit, I could easily free up about 4 hours a day at work to use on bettering myself rather than trolling the web at work (yeah, my work has a shit ton of rarely monitored downtime, which makes up for the lousy pay), and another two or three hours at home. It is so hard to cut myself off from that tap of endless information that makes neurons spark, but doesn’t contribute anything useful.

5. I need to balance my fiction reading with non-fiction. When it comes down to it, I’d rather read a story than a book on schematics or musical theory. I need to be more disciplined there.

I guess this really isn’t a short interlude anymore, but I felt I needed to write it out to better get my head in order. Any of you got suggestions?


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